Looking for a few good prayers and good thoughts.

I just found out that my grandmother, whom we affectionately call Lala, has cancer. Lymphnoma (sp?) cancer. But apparently, it is officially called B-cell lymphnoma and apparently very treatable with a high success rate. So my mom didn't sound too worried when she told me. But this is the same mother who didn't sound too worried when my grandfather, whom we called Papa, went into the hospital for a brain something or other and then didn't survive. I was sixteen then and maybe they didn't want me to worry, what with school and the one act play competitions going on.

But I am not sixteen anymore and although I assume my mother would tell me everything, one has to wonder, Is she just being positive? I guess there is nothing wrong with that.

Back to my Lala, I am worried for her though because she will have to go through chemo and she is already in a wheelchair due to damaged knees and feet from contracting polio as a child and a major car accident over a year ago. So, if she goes through chemo, how will she lift herself out of her chair to shower, to go to sleep, etc...

So please send Lala, on top of her hill in Wimberley Texas, your good thoughts and prayers. She is one strong woman but prayers are gladly accepted. And please send them to me too because I am a little scared.

Thanks.

Another political posting

So true. So true. Thanks to Bill Amend for this great cartoon.

Michelle

Vote vote vote vote

I don't care who you vote for (well maybe I do) but the main thing is to go and vote. Vote vote vote.


And here's my political bias for you:







If you can't call or don't wanna call, at least check out Moveon.org. If you don't care to do that, at least the facts about the issues. The facts. NOT just what Fox News tells you.Cause, baby, those ain't the facts.


Vote vote vote.
Michelle

Finally.

Finally, I get to wear my super-cheap-but-it's-Banana-Republic-and-thus-will-last-a-long-time sweater. I love my sweater. Almost as much as my new car. Almost as much as Ginny. Almost as much as C...no, no that is not true. I do love Chris tens of thousands times more than this sweater. Finally, I get to wear it.

Today, after dropping Chris off and driving to school, the planes taking off looked funny. They looked heavy, loaded down with cargo. It could have been the weather, but sometimes they are like paper airplanes, sailing on some wind current. Today they struggled to gain altitude.

I work again tonight. Again, I will not get to spend more than 20 minutes with Chris. Again, I am dreaming of finding a way to pay our debts and running away, but the bills keep coming in and my spirits sink.

The future is uncertain. I guess that is the way it always is, even when you think you have it all planned out.

And for the love of God, I am in a library and there are maintenance men using the loudest vaccuum in the whole wide world. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I can't think.

Ugh...the humidity...

I feel like immersing myself in a cold pool and staying there all day. Instead, I have been sweating while just sitting on the couch and reading. I can't tell if it is the weather, my mood or what. I work again tonight, as a cashier. Last night at work I ran into the ex, Cal. He looked good and happy and healthy. He informed me his girlfriend of about a year and he are getting married in Vegas sometime soon. I am really happy for him. This woman seems really good for him. At the same time, I feel a little perturbed. After the emotional drama he put me through and now he gets happiness? He doesn't even know how much shit he dragged me through, I never got the chance to say so. And now he gets health and happiness?

But I only thought those thoughts for about a second. I truly am happy that he is finally grounded in life, in love, with happiness...even if his hand did linger too long on my waist when I hugged him. That, he doesn't have right to anymore.


We have internet at the house. Which is cool but yet bad all at the same time. Ginny got it installed so she could fill out more applications online, which will be good for her to be able to do from home.

Yikes, I have to get ready for work...already.

Michelle

You can't run from your problems!

Chris told me this is sometimes what his Dad would jokingly shout as they passed people running on the side of the road. And now, everytime I go for a jog, I think of that and smile. Running is so weird, ya know? Yes, it is true. You can't run from your troubles. But running is almost like running right over them. It gives me a chance to think in rhythm. It is a chance for my mind and body to talk, nicely, to each other. (Usually one is screaming chocolate while the other is berating the one screaming for chocolate.)
I get a chance to sing in my head, take really deep breaths (something I forget to do during a busy day at work), be surrounded by nature (when I am not on the god-forsaken treadmill) and commune with God. I was reading an article in the latest Runner's World magazine that talked about the same thing. For most avid runners (a status I am working on), running is a part of the spiritual connection to God, Yahweh, Allah, whatever name you call the Creator, the Light. I love it. Everytime I am running, I think "How could I avoid this? How can I NOT run everyday" but it is true. There are days when I avoid running like the plague. It's the getting dressed and smashing my chest together in those awful sports bra. It's the getting the blood pumping and the legs moving when they want to be propped up and massaged (really, the girls like the attention). It's the...it's the...work of it. But then when I do it, I love it. I vow to never eat sugar again, never to sneak in that one cigarette a week, never to avoid running again. I talk to God and tell her all my worries, my hopes, my fears...

Plus, I want to lose about twenty pounds before the new year. I tell Her that too.

This holiday season is going to be crazy. I won't be making as many gifts this year as I normally do (collective cheers from family members who are tired of getting scarves for xmas presents). I will be working...a lot...and it is going to be crazy in the store...all the time. Also, we have a holiday blackout time where we can't ask off for certain days, like the day before Thanksgiving and Christmas eve. So, this year's usual holiday visits will also be different, which will be strange.

So, if you don't hear from me, it's because we lost our phone. But also because I am working. A lot.

Peace,
michelle

The joy of imperfections in relationships

So, I have been a bitch the past couple of weeks towards my husband. I am getting better, in fact, almost a complete turn around was done this weekend. Mainly due to a GREAT session I had with De. Damn, that woman is amazing. She pulls stuff out of my mind I had no idea was even there.

But then I was upset with my friends and I let it show. Immediately, I felt bad about letting it out towards them. But then I realized something, a good friend's relationship is really not that much different from a spousal relationship. Obviously, there are a few glaring differences, but all relationships (especially long term) need to be constantly worked on. And if I can't show my irritation with some of my closest and dearest friends, then I would be holding out on them. Things can't be perfect, happy go lucky all the time. Plus, my irritation stemmed from not getting to see them. That should be flattering enough as it is.

My only free evening this week, tonight, is going to be spent driving to San Marcos to re-sign on the car, apparently they didn't give me the correct paperwork. So, I am going to ask them to clean the car (the rain!) and fill her up. I think I am entitled to that.

Other than that, I work every night this week and then have Sat and Sun off. And I got Chris and I on a tour of our favorite local brewery. Whoo hoo. One week from today is our 2 year anniversary. Already.

Peace,
Michelle

Days like these...

I want to go for a run in the morning; make tea and breakfast and eat while reading the paper; do some chores before riding my bike to the library. Cook lunch made from produce from the Farmer's Market, drink wine on my porch in the fading and cool afternoon and hang out with Chris and some friends.

Instead, I am here at work with 4 people down (no show and call ins) plus we are getting our evaluation today and everybody in Austin wants to lunch at Whole Foods today.

It really is Friday the 13th isn't it?

Untitled

Untitled plates. Untitled blog posting. Untitled feelings.

I feel like I have been run over by a semi. I had a very, very...nay, extremely, challenging session with De today. There was a lot of insight and there is a lot of hard work, patience, and love I need to work on. There are some major issues that are occurring around me right now that try my patience, especially since I am maturing and "growing up" so much.

But it explains a lot. It explains why I have been so snippy and anti-social towards my loved ones, dreaming those crazy dreams, and why I don't feel sad, happy or anything in between.

Untitled.

Whew!

Hey! Guess what? I made a 93.9 on my first Botany test! Whoo hoo! I am pretty sure that Dr. Bostic will round it up to a 94. I really wanted a higher score, but I got mixed up on the darned nucleus and nucleolus. And that meant I missed four questions right off the bat. Ah well. Then I made two silly mistakes that I will have to remember to look for on the next test.

Also, we bought our car this weekend. I didn't really mention it that much because I didn't want to jinx it. But it is official. We own a 2006 Scion xA.



The one we own is a charcoal color. It comes standard with power locks and windows. A/C, Pioneer radio and sound system as well as iPod ready with CD. Ours came with an arm rest and keyless entry. Also, it is a manual.

And it is itty bitty. I love it.

So...off to class now. Lecture time.

What was yesterday about?

Who knows? I tried to read my post from yesterday, got lost, didn't ask for directions and got frustrated. I can only imagine what you were thinking when you read it. My apologies.

I took my first Botany test today. I know I missed 5 questions. 4 of them just needed a switch. 1 of them the prof never covered and I might think we can get him to throw out.

I ran into a community member today. She is in trouble and needs help and wasn't afraid to ask for it. I hesitated. Why? Because she has the courage to ask for it or the gall to ask for it? We still will help but I feel like an ass now.

I have been daydreaming about moving to a small town. Not small, small. Something about Waco's size or San Marcos. Actually, I have been daydreaming about moving to San Marcos. I don't know. I am a little tired of city life. Granted, I am not in a huge city. It is only Austin. But it is more expensive, there is more to do and distract, and communities do tend to get stretched before they either snap and divide.

I feel like writing in short, blunt sentences today.

I took a nap in our bedroom without the window unit on and had a crazy nap dream. I was five, ten and twenty all at once and at my parent's house in Wimberley where they had had another baby, there was a crazy neighbor who owned the land next to us putting in a pool right next to our property line and we swam when they weren't looking. I got to hold the baby and it was precious.

I miss my friends, who are all just as busy as I am.

I miss things being simple. I don't know if a smaller town would provide that or not. And if we did decide to move (nothing is happening now) then our house is nowhere near sellable yet. We need a new roof, new siding, new trim, a central a/c, new windows, to finish the flooring, yadayadayada...

Oh boy, here we go again. Another nonsensical post. Argh! I. Can't. Stop.

michelle

Is there something in the air today?

I feel a little out of sorts. A little numb, tired, and snappy. But I am not in a bad mood. Maybe it is just stress. Stress that I have layered on myself as if I were wrapping myself up for a good storm. The only problem is, stress doesn't protect us from the cold winds.

I really don't know which is worse to have: stress, grief, anger, ignorance. When I am not one, I want to be other. Right now, I long to have grief so at least I have a good reason to break down and cry. Instead I feel a tightly wound ball inside my chest, ready to spring at the most irrational and inconvenient time.
I want to drink.
I want to eat.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
All at the same time.


I also want to run far, far away from obligations and community. I remember when I didn't really have obligations or community when I first lived in Waco. My first long term boyfriend had just moved away and I hadn't bothered to make a lot of friends because I spent all my time with him. So when he left, I busied myself with studying, working out, reading, cooking, etc...and it was great. No friends to console, entertain. No dog to go home and feed. No major bills to pay except utilities. I had a cute little apartment I called home and I was fine. Until I got lonely that is. And that is where community comes into my life.
I do need community. But community is expensive, time and money wise. To spend time with people means going out to eat, buying a six pack or wine, taking time out of your evening you had planned on spending with just yourself.

I love my community. But sometimes I do wish we could run away and focus on the major issues that are causing me stress right now: debt, school, life.
I want life to be simple. I want to get off from work, go home and cook dinner with my husband and workout around the same time everyday. I don't want to rush to school, rush to work, rush to workout, rush rushrushrushrush

But it doesn't get any easier does it? And having a kid in the 3-5 year future definitely won't make things any easier.

When does it slow down? Does it ever? Or those days I used to read on the hammock after school over? What has happened to the time?

Does this realization of time and aging happen to everyone? Was/is it depressing to you as it is to me?

I need my community now. Damn the price!

She said I could.

I can have a hissy fit if I want to. As long as I keep getting shit done, ie: going to the gym, studying, working and enjoying it. As long as I am doing good things, then I can have a hissy fit about my house, my stress, and whatever the hell else I want.

Stress defined: trying to buy a new car. LE sigh.