Is there something in the air today?

I feel a little out of sorts. A little numb, tired, and snappy. But I am not in a bad mood. Maybe it is just stress. Stress that I have layered on myself as if I were wrapping myself up for a good storm. The only problem is, stress doesn't protect us from the cold winds.

I really don't know which is worse to have: stress, grief, anger, ignorance. When I am not one, I want to be other. Right now, I long to have grief so at least I have a good reason to break down and cry. Instead I feel a tightly wound ball inside my chest, ready to spring at the most irrational and inconvenient time.
I want to drink.
I want to eat.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
All at the same time.


I also want to run far, far away from obligations and community. I remember when I didn't really have obligations or community when I first lived in Waco. My first long term boyfriend had just moved away and I hadn't bothered to make a lot of friends because I spent all my time with him. So when he left, I busied myself with studying, working out, reading, cooking, etc...and it was great. No friends to console, entertain. No dog to go home and feed. No major bills to pay except utilities. I had a cute little apartment I called home and I was fine. Until I got lonely that is. And that is where community comes into my life.
I do need community. But community is expensive, time and money wise. To spend time with people means going out to eat, buying a six pack or wine, taking time out of your evening you had planned on spending with just yourself.

I love my community. But sometimes I do wish we could run away and focus on the major issues that are causing me stress right now: debt, school, life.
I want life to be simple. I want to get off from work, go home and cook dinner with my husband and workout around the same time everyday. I don't want to rush to school, rush to work, rush to workout, rush rushrushrushrush

But it doesn't get any easier does it? And having a kid in the 3-5 year future definitely won't make things any easier.

When does it slow down? Does it ever? Or those days I used to read on the hammock after school over? What has happened to the time?

Does this realization of time and aging happen to everyone? Was/is it depressing to you as it is to me?

I need my community now. Damn the price!