We decided against it.

My counselor and I decided to wait a while before going on meds. Whew. I mean, at some times I think I might need, but then other times, I really don't wanna to take them.

You see, I have conflicted feelings about them. While I think they do help some people, I also believe in the power of the mind to re-direct one's way of thinking. A good analogy I heard was that our thought patterns can resemble trails in a grassy field. The more we tend to think in one pattern (ie: I can't do this, I can't do that or I can do this,etc) then the more engrained the trail becomes and more permanent. But if we steer our thinking, we can create new pathways of thinking.

I believe this. I also believe in friendships (although all of my close girlfriends are either a) out of town b)busy c) have other relationships to attend to right now. Not that I am bitter. Far from it, actually. It is just funny when you need someone, just one of your close friends, they are all unavailable. At one time.)

So, I believe that a good network for friends, network of thought processes, and exercise can help tremendously.

But when you have manic depressive episodes, it doesn't matter how many webs you weave, there is always a hole in which you can fall through to that dark, deep valley.

Anyways, despite all that...we decided to wait it out and try this semester without the drugs.

BEfore I leave for vacation I have decided to get my hair cut, get my legs waxed, and buy myself some new shirts. I think those are sound decisions because I have been getting rid of so much clothing that I rotate four to five shirts. And honey, I like variety. But I am going to go quality clothes shopping because the ones from Target and Old Navy just don't last that long.

Random.

Craving Chocolate. O, Chocolate God, why do you torment me?

Michelle

Romance in the Time of the Runs

Or at least that is the title of Love in the Time of Cholera according to Chris. I am re-reading it. It's funny though, because i have re-read almost every book I own about three or four times. But this is only my second re-read for Marquez's book and I got it about three years ago.

Anyways, there was a line that clicked on a switch in my head. I think it might help me. I am growing older and will never again be young.

Obvious. I know.

But truthfully, we don't get a second chance to be 10,18 or 25 again. I think this sudden realization (obvious, I know) might help me with my depression. I have already spent three years not living up to my full potential or at least living every day. I know it is impossible to live everyday to its fullest, life happens. But I can be happy that I am alive and enjoy my youth, enjoy my time with Chris before we have kids, and stop moping about the past. It's the past!

Now that I am writing this down, it seems to common sense, so obvious, I know!! I know!

But at the same time, we get caught up in so much junk, shit, and life. Drama drags us down and we are unable to enjoy the sun, the air, each other.

Another good thing: I love my husband more and more each day. Is this possible? I didn't think love could grow and transform this way. I lurve it.

Peace,
michelle

Brandy and me

Brandy went to the vet yesterday. We woke up in the morning to see one of her usual perky ears (Husky style ears) floppy. It was actually a little cute, but don't tell brandy that.

Anyways, Chris made an appointment and took her in to find she a hemotoma in her ear and it might always be floppy. But that wasn't it: she has arthritis in her back legs, we need to get bloodwork done for her because her gums are really pale which might indicate a tumor or amnemia, but the doc didn't say anything about her cataracts, which I guess is good news.
In other words, our beloved Brandy is getting old. She is about ten years old now. So, we are going to start giving her extra care.

As for me, I need to give myself some extra care. I had a good couple of weeks where I was going to the gym regularly and eating healthy. But then it slid all downhill. So I need to re-commit because it occurred to me today that NOW is the time to get and maintain being healthy. If I don't reform my bad habits now, it will be harder to do so in the future. And I Don't want on-set diabetes. I don't want to pass on body and self esteem issues to my kids. I don't want to be able to run after my kids. Granted, we are not having kids for a couple of years now, but as stated above, NOW is the time.

Whine. It is hard to change habits that taste so good, like chocolate parfait. Hell, like chocolate in general!

Lordy.

Michelle