Shhh...I am supposed to be working!

You Are Grass Green

Down to earth and a bit of a hippie, you are very into nature and the outdoors. You accept the world and people as they are. You don't try to change things. You are also very comfortable with yourself, flaws and all. Optimistic about the future, you feel like life is always getting better.

What Color Green Are You?

After all that...

After all that ranting and explaining about my ACC status, i forgot to pay the bill yesterday and now I will be dropped from the class.

Damn.

Damn damn damn

I can still probably re-register, with credit card on hand. But after the hour of sitting with the counselor, I now have to call her back up, recall my image from her memory and get her to re-register me.

LE SiGh.

And right now, there is tequila running through my system.

And I saw a guy I went to high school with today and felt mildly ashamed that I am a cashier at Whole Foods. Oh, the plans and dreams people had of me when I graduated high school. But little did they know how little I knew of myself. I only pretended I was going to go somewhere far and fabulous. I only pretended I had grandiose dreams. What dreams? I just wanted to get the hell out of Wimberley and away from home. (No offense, mom).

But I guess I did so in an okay way. After all, i didn't get knocked up during or right after high school. I experienced the college life. I fell in love a couple of times. I have been skinny dipping, a lot. I met a man who loves me, takes care of me and makes me strive to be a better person everyday. I own a house and ride my bike. I buy locally grown food. I love my friends. So, I guess, even if I am just a cashier at Whole Foods, I am not that ashamed.

This was the thought process I had while conversing with a high school alum of mine.

And I smiled.

Oh yeah!!

Never, never hold a baby while you have baby fever.

Especially when they are cute, cuddly and never cry when women who have baby fever clutch them to their bosoms squealing, "Babies!!".

Never.

Friends don't let baby-crazed friends hold babies.

Hi.

I don't really have much to say. Except what I was thinking I would write on the car ride to work.

I read all morning...well into the afternoon. I should have been cleaning dishes, working on the sewing room or even running errands around town. I should have been doing. But thinking about the "shoulds" get me down even more. Should should should should...but it has already passed and there is nothing I can do about it now. I am still working on that thought. On that way of thinking. So, while I am working on that, I will work on this on too; tomorrow I will try to get stuff done. Tomorrow I will wash dishes, work on the sewing room, collect rocks and buy paint for the opening day, and then have a wonderful dinner with Ann.
On my way to work though, I smoked a cigarette. There is something about this time of year that makes me want to roll my windows down, listen to some good music (not too loud) and smoke a cig. I think it reminds me of graduating from high school and of being in Italy. Those were some really good times. They were hard too; I gained weight in Italy and I was homesick. At home, I had broken up with a great man and guilt weighed heavily on my heart.
But driving around, whether it was to work, school, the river, friend's house, was glorious. The Sun! Like today, it was not too hot but just warm enough. The wind pushing the smoke out and away. The inhalation that makes you notice your breath feel alive. Funny how something that kills you can make you feel alive. But then again, I guess it is not that funny. Humankind has been doing it for centuries. Driving is just another example as is cigarette smoking.
I am not a smoker. But today, I was calmed by having one on the way to work. I could have lamented that I didn't do any housework. I could have thought "should have, should have, should have.." all the way to work, where I could have been depressed for my whole shift.
Instead, I rolled the windows down, turned up the music and smoked.

And it was refreshing.

Boy, it ain't ever easy...

well, the past two weeks were rough. I didn't exercise. I didn't clean much (although I did get some stuff done last thursday) and I certainly didn't feel very good about myself.

Then, I showered.

And it was glorious. I imagined all the heaviness of depression was being washed right off. I watched it go down the drain and my heart jumped a tiny bit with victory.

I saw D today. We talked about the past two weeks, what I can when I start sliding next time, and what I can about school.

Here is what she said, after I told her I hadn't gone to see an adviser about my academic warning because parking is ridiculous. "Well, you have free parking here. Can you walk there? Right after you are done here, walk over to the adviser's office and see what you can do about your hold."

The simplicity of it. I love it.

So that is what I did.

Except my hold is not really a hold but an ultimatum. I have to get my course completion ratio to 50%. Right now I have completed 10 hours and registered for 32. So, basically, with a little math, one can figure that I am too far gone to do that. If I take 6 hours and complete them, that means adding 6 to the 32 totaling 38. So, my 16 hours of completion would still be four hours short. I am on the course completion treadmill. there is no realistic way to catch up.
How did it get this way? Well, ACC, last semester, changed their system. And I fell through the cracks. Academic warning means you have one shot to bring it back up or you wait for two semesters and then get put on probation, which is better because you can still take classes and slowly rebuild your academic career.
But I am on somewhat of a time constraint since Chris might be going to school next year and I would like to have finished school before I have a kid, which means before I am thirty. So, that gives me five years. Five years to rebuild the academic career, transfer and then graduate. That might take me four years. So, I need to get started now.

My adviser was great though. She is on the advising committee who is meeting today to review cases such as mine. So, the good scenario: they review my case and put me on probation.

The bad scenario: They review my case. They say no and withdraw me from the Summer 1 class I signed up for. Then, I have to see whether I need to wait out just the summer since I already waited out the spring, or if they view summer as a freebie, then I would have to wait out the fall too.

So, please pray and send good thoughts my way. I am hoping for probation because I mean business this time. I want to be successful in school and now, I have to fight for it. Which probably shows how serious I am.

Thank you.
Michelle

A quickie

Please send me good thoughts/ prayers/ wishes for tomorrow as I attempted to clean the Whole. F-in. House.

Well, I have Friday to clean it too, but I would like to get as much as I can tomorrow.

So, please keep me in your thoughts! I know this sounds like a really weird request, but if I don't have some good vibes coming my way, I might just lay in bed all day, eating goat cheese and reading a book.

Love,
Michelle

I heart Michael Pollan...

There, I said it.

You know why I love this man I have never met and, until today, didn't know
what he looked like? Because he says everything I believe in a beautiful
way, writes books about those beliefs and lives in California on property
where he can grow anything. Also, I have a habit for respecting men who
articulate with such ease, grace and wisdom (example: my husband).

You know the post about my vegetarianism? I wish I had read an interview
with him in the latest Sun magazine, entitled "Lost in the Supermarket:
Michael Pollan on How the Food Industry Has Changed the Way we Eat." Agh! He
talks about how we, as a nation, eat. How we don't respect our food, we
don't even know where it comes from, how we can trust people to grow our
food but we spend years trying to trust someone to work on our cars, mouths,
and homes. Yet, we don't even know where our food comes from! But he does
all this in such a way where he doesn't sound like a crazy radical ranting
in his burlap sack for a loincloth, shouting at us from the wilderness. He
is very respectful, honest, and makes everything he says sound just like
common sense. Which it is.

Also, he took words right out of my mouth. For the three years I have worked
at Whole Foods, I have heard one major complaint from customers. "Why is it
so expensive?!" Or "My total is how much?!" OR "More like, Whole Paycheck".
It wasn't long after I became a vegetarian and awakening to our food crisis
(which leads to our obesity crisis) when I came up with my own response to
those questions. Why should food be so cheap? Making, hunting, preparing
food is timely and costly. Food that is very cheap is not really food at
all. Michael Pollan says this too but goes further on the subject in ways I
never even thought about.
Here is an excerpt from the article:
...Which raises the question: Should food be so cheap? As a society
we've chosen to value cheapness over quality when it comes to eating. We
spend less of our income on food than any other people in the history of the
world: around 11 or 12 percent. In Europe it's closer to 20 percent. For
most of history, 50 percent of people's income when to feeding themselves.
We're making a decision to spend less money on food and more on
luxuries such as cable television, cellphones, and bottled water. We need to
become connoisseurs of food the way we are connoisseurs of cars and
television and clothes. My guess is that, if people cared more about food
and appreciated how important it is, they'd be willing to spend more on it.
It's really a matter of priority. To the extent that we're willing to pay
more for local, organic food, we'll take better care of the environment, and
there will be more farmers living in our communities.

Lovely. Couldn't have said it better. Really.

******** SUBJECT
CHANGE****************************************************************************

I have also been reading Anne Lamott. Holy moly, talk about tearing your
insides out for further examination, all while saying curse words and
praising God. This lady tears me apart. After I am done reading her, I am a
little lost, frankly. How have I failed to think this much about God, about
love, about forgiveness? Do I think about myself all the time that there is
no room for such insight? OR is that why she is a talented and celebrated
author of faith and spirituality and I am not?
Who knows?

Whatever the case it, I like it. I like her. I like how confused I feel
after reading her, looking for any signs from our Mama pointing me in the
right direction. "Forgive that person, Michelle. Feed that person, Michelle.
Teach that person, Michelle. Love, love, love everyone Michelle."

I want to be more involved but I don't know where to begin; and as I write
this, my pastor has entered the reading room at the library where I am. I
could easily just turn and talk to him about it, but I know today is his day
off and I know how I cherish my days off, where they are truly, truly my
days off where I catch up on reading the paper, magazines, books, anything
else I can devour. So I remain silent. For now. But soon, and I can feel it,
soon the door I am standing in front of will open and I will stamp my foot
down in front of it before it closes and enter this new phase of my life.
Soon and very soon.

Peace and love,
Michelle

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