Hi.

I don't really have much to say. Except what I was thinking I would write on the car ride to work.

I read all morning...well into the afternoon. I should have been cleaning dishes, working on the sewing room or even running errands around town. I should have been doing. But thinking about the "shoulds" get me down even more. Should should should should...but it has already passed and there is nothing I can do about it now. I am still working on that thought. On that way of thinking. So, while I am working on that, I will work on this on too; tomorrow I will try to get stuff done. Tomorrow I will wash dishes, work on the sewing room, collect rocks and buy paint for the opening day, and then have a wonderful dinner with Ann.
On my way to work though, I smoked a cigarette. There is something about this time of year that makes me want to roll my windows down, listen to some good music (not too loud) and smoke a cig. I think it reminds me of graduating from high school and of being in Italy. Those were some really good times. They were hard too; I gained weight in Italy and I was homesick. At home, I had broken up with a great man and guilt weighed heavily on my heart.
But driving around, whether it was to work, school, the river, friend's house, was glorious. The Sun! Like today, it was not too hot but just warm enough. The wind pushing the smoke out and away. The inhalation that makes you notice your breath feel alive. Funny how something that kills you can make you feel alive. But then again, I guess it is not that funny. Humankind has been doing it for centuries. Driving is just another example as is cigarette smoking.
I am not a smoker. But today, I was calmed by having one on the way to work. I could have lamented that I didn't do any housework. I could have thought "should have, should have, should have.." all the way to work, where I could have been depressed for my whole shift.
Instead, I rolled the windows down, turned up the music and smoked.

And it was refreshing.