Eleven years and still it breaks my heart.

On a gorgeous Sunday day, eleven years ago, my grandfather passed away.

I can't believe it has been 11 years.

Ten years seemed like a huge milestone. Did I think it would stop at ten? Did I not realize that there would be an 11, 15, 25, 53, etc...

It's funny how time fragments and breaks itself up in our minds.

But a part of me will always be 16, on that clear and bright spring day, saying good-bye to papa, watching my family break down and wondering how we will ever be the same.

While the actual day he died was gorgeous, the funeral was misty and cold. Unusually cold for the end of March. I had the UIL contest play that morning and someone, I don't remember who it was, drove me from Burnet right after the performance for the funeral. It was a late in the day funeral and I made it just in time. Walking up to the open casket in front of a church packed with people was a mistake. Open caskets, in my view, are mistakes. Maybe they are just mistakes for the young who can't imagine being old, let alone lifeless.

I don't remember much afterwards about the funeral. I remember my brother, who was about 8 ot 9, sobbing loudly in the church. I remember my friend Devon, who I saw after the service, wearing a short sleeve red dress and thinking "She must be freezing". I remember some guy from my school playing taps on his trumpets.

But I remember Papa most of all and that is good. I remember the fishing hook he wore in his hat. I remember his crude humor, flippin' his false teeth out at us. I remember how when I went to town with him, it seemed like everybody knew him and talked to him. I remember mornings before school, hanging out with my dad at Papa's office (he was the Justice of the Peace) with Papa's cronies and the smell of coffee.

And I have wishes too. I wish he could have met my husband, Chris. I think he would have enjoyed Chris' humor and probably would have found some endearing (and offensive for those who don't know him) nickname.

Sorry this post seems so sad. Really it is just nostalgic which at times can be very sad.

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On a different note, I have some friends putting on a play that has received rave reviews. The play is called Penetrator and is playing at the Hideout Theatre.

The really cool thing? It's only 15 dollars to see a critically acclaimed, intense, thought-provoking play.