Taking a break?

Hello.

Most of those who know me probably know by now that I have dropped my classes for the semester. Why?, you ask. The answer is: I don't know exactly. I was doing well in them, making A's. But I stopped going. At first I blamed the elections. I stayed up all night on Tuesday and Wednesday so I didn't go to class that week. Then, I became afraid that I would never get caught up if I did return. And even though I knew I could get caught up, I still didn't go the next week. Then, it came time to actually look at my syllabi, and I convinced myself that even if I did go back, get caught up and technically make A's, that I would still fail because both profs take off ten points of the final grade for every day you miss after a given amount. So, I convinced myself the pratical thing to do would be to drop. Then, I made myself believe that this is for the best. That I am still discovering things about myself after 2 years of depression, a new "re-awakening" if you will.

So, what do I believe now? I don't know. I am getting things done regardless of not being in school. I am working, paid for car insurance, running a household financially speaking, crocheting, sewing, and being a good friend. Doesn't that make someone productive? Can't all those things make someone proud? Do I really need a diploma to feel worthy? No. But we already knew that.

A good question was asked the other day: why do I keep spending money to be in school if it just going to go to waste? And that question is a perfectly valid question. My answer is: I don't know. I do know that I start out the semester with great intentions: I intend to kick ass in school, make all A's, be in the honors program like I was in at McLennan Community College. I intend to work and go to school and still be sane like I did while I was at MCC. But I am not the same person I was then. Although there are elements of that Michelle still in me, I cannot work 40 hours a week, go to school full-time and still be sane. Now, it just doesn't work out for me. The Michelle now needs time for herself. Maybe the Michelle now is selfish, or just hasn't figured out how to make time management work for her.

I know I disappoint a lot of people. And for that I am sorry. But I am trying to not be a disappointment in other aspects of my life. I have friends who turn to me for help, I try to be a good spouse, I try to be a good employee, and I try to be a good person generally. If I wasn't a disappointment in the school area of my life, would I be a disappointment in the other areas of my life? Maybe. Maybe I would be a disappointing friend with no time to lend an ear or ride to those who need it. Maybe I would get stressed out and be really snappy with my husband. Who knows?

All this to say, I don't want to have a plethera of excuses this time. I love where my life is right now. And I don't want to provide excuses for that.